on my way

12 November 2006

My world is a very big one. There are no true boundaries for me. The only limits that exist, exist in the heart. Why do you all oppress me? Why are we, who see the big picture and do what virtue compels us to do (to an extent), condemned by those who think small? Why do you choose to hate someone, and all that he stands for (not I, in this case), when the mistakes he makes are out of simple ignorance and not malice?

Foresight tells me many things. Divorce, addiction, immaturity, crime. I wish I could laugh because these things, happen to people I know (in foresight at least). And I wish I could hate these people. But I must love them, no matter how hard to irritate, hate, anger or trample over me, because that is what is right.

Sadly, they refuse, because the price they must pay to avoid these is heavy, by their standards. However, I do not set the price. It is they, because if they do not value the rewards of giving up certain things, then of course they see those things as much more valuable. What are those "things" then? Cliques, conformity, popularity, reputation, social standing. You can deny it, saying that it is an archetypical picture of a teenager's world, but these are exactly what drives a vast proportion of the decisions we make.

Somehow, the hole is my soul's pocket is beginning to mend by itself. I saved up four years of connecting with a myriad of characters... and I spent it all in a month. At first, I thought it was a foolish decision. It meant that I had wasted four years of my life, making school life miserable for myself. But pondering what comes next, after the O-levels... then the A-levels or my diploma... after national service and maybe a degree... no, it does not seem such a high price. I have seen many things and learnt many things during my secondary school years. One being how to be a real person, who follows his heart (and there is the beauty of it all, if you know my beliefs well enough. Chances are, you do not...) and has an infallible attitude.

Now, you may contend with me by saying, "You think only you have made sacrifices, but what about us? You made us feel like crap, put us down and never failed to criticise us." I admit that I was a little immature in putting across my challenges. I myself have been challenged many times. And did you all not complain about my excessively holier-than-thou behaviour? How would you feel if that is what you get for trying to change people for the better?

I never dwelled on it for long, because I knew that it was my fault for not pointing out your flaws with love, being WWE-blunt and yes - holier-than-thou. Have you all thought of it? That there is any semblance of truth in my words? Or are you all afraid of changing? These are not words of contempt... this is a challenge.

* * *

I wonder who I will meet in the coming years. Will I be disappointed again? Of course I will, as people are not perfect (I need not remind regular readers of this another time... sorry). Will I love people earnestly? I hope I will, and I want to. The question is... Will they let me love them? After all, my thoughts differ vastly from most in one way or another (denying that is like saying your dad is Luther Vandross), and society would regard a person with these thoughts as an aberration, and attempt to get rid of him or simply destroy him, no less.

Sometimes, I browse through my blog entries and see a dark and brooding potential terrorist. I would tell you not to confuse philosophical differences (mostly ethical in my case) with extremism. Simply put, if you do not agree with me... I cannot do anything short of committing a violent crime can I? And of course, I am not willing to go to jail over intangible differences. I am not "dark and brooding" either. It only seems like it because I used to be a rainbow with fairy dust and tulips blooming in the background.

I am, at my core, still the same person. I still love sushi, I still have a very cold sense of humour, I still love music without screaming (no offense, fans of that genre), I still play basketball, I have not thought of becoming a homosexual, I still adore cats... the only difference is, I feel that there is too much blindness pervading people's relationships, and I feel that there is too much injustice biased against that minority, dedicated to being true to themselves, as a result.

10:24 pm