on my way

30 November 2007

Diana Ross - If We Hold On Together

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away

Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end

Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
"Please let us come home to stay"

If we hold on together,
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

12:02 am

29 November 2007

New moves to learn!

Leo Walk
Pimp Walk
(from Groove Walk a.k.a. Rock Steady)
Sneak Peek/Sneaky
Volkswagen

I shall work on bounces and Stop & Go at tomorrow's session.

2:41 am

28 November 2007

I don't know why I am posting this.

I was listening to music as usual on the way home tonight, when someone suddenly sat down beside and tapped me on the shoulder. It was an autistic, apparently mute boy. He showed me a card, which said something like "### is a hyperactive boy. He has communication problems... ....lives at Henderson Road..." He was pointing at the line which had his address. I don't know where Henderson Road is, so I just sort of gestured to him that I didn't know, upon which he got up and went to sit behind me.

After a while, I decided to help him by asking the bus driver, but I had to ask him to show me the address again. He didn't want to show it to me. Great, so even he would rather have me not meddling in his affairs.

Aside from that. I heard, read and saw a lot today. Berni's life, the trouble with her son, Joy's tuition student, the five late dragon boaters, the kid on the bus... These people, or their parents, they are more unfortunate than I am, but they still remain strong despite the odds. I respect them. I think people who go through continuous hardships like these deserve more respect than say, the most accomplished designer or dancer or singer... because it's not a voluntary thing. Not that I don't respect those people too... but they chose their path because of passion or talent. It's not some predestined misfortune.

Why do we complain? Why do we frown at the simplest of matters which, truthfully, can be resolved so much more easily? Why do we have to justify ourselves, to be right all the time? Why do I have to give in to these people? Why can't I stand up for myself once?

For once, I just feel like lashing out. Lashing out at the people who've wronged me. Just screaming at people who give me stupid excuses and blame me for their own problems. I feel like saying I hate them. I feel like wishing they experienced just how much more hurtful it is to be in my shoes. I feel angry at their words, unjustified by their reasoning, confounded by their pride (not that I don't have any).

Yet I'm sure that no one wants to be truly evil. "They know not what they do". I'm not trying to be some kind and understanding person - it's just that if I don't have a reason to hold my fire, I'd just go insane.

It's not easy holding back the urge to retaliate... and to be honest, my life isn't all that hard and gloomy. Just routine and lonely, at times. Mostly no one's fault but my own, I guess.

Am I aloof? I don't know... Maybe I'm just too used to being lost in my thoughts, in my own world. There are reasons for aloofness, if that is what you'd call it...

It's so much easier if people think "Jun Ji is so often quiet, and sharp-tongued when he speaks." Then I wouldn't have to live up to expectations. I wouldn't have to please people with my words. I wouldn't have to follow through with the impressions I give people. I wouldn't have to let people know how I really feel about things. I wouldn't have to be... vulnerable.

10:35 pm

27 November 2007

I actually slept at 9pm last night. I don't know why... not that I was more tired than usual. Maybe I just felt like switching off. Then I had dreamt a weird dream. It was kind of exciting actually, but it probably wouldn't happen for real.

I think I woke up in the middle of the night. Alone... no music... no one around, except Milk, who was cuddling up, taking up a lot of space. Somehow it felt good, just being alone for a while. Not having to be on my guard... not having to worry about what tomorrow will bring... it's so selfish of me to think that way. I guess since I'm so weird, it doesn't make any difference whether I'm alone or with a group of people whom I know.

It's not that I don't know what to say... it just seems like I'm speaking gibberish. Maybe I shouldn't have worked so hard at English since young. Maybe I should have played more with the neighbourhood boys. Maybe I should have gone to some international school.

Maybe... I'm just someone people love to hate. I do have this major character flaw which I kept an eye on for a while, and managed to overcome... but it's creeping back into my life now, among many other things. On hindsight, I'm such a jerk, and the reason would be a disappointment to people who stand by me.

11:59 pm

25 November 2007

Sentosa isn't what it used to be now... Got myself mildly sunburnt, the first time after three and a half years rowing boats in the sun (i.e. kayaking). We attempted to play volleyball, and by some odd manner of coincidence they were having a volleyball tournament just a short walk down the road. So we were surrounded by the best you can find in Sentosa, watching us in astonishment as we tried to serve from outside the court... and failed.

I'm embarking on a thinking trip once again. After surfing through some Friendster profiles and looking at photos of blahblahblah with blahblahblah and blahblahblah, it piqued the appetite of my mind. It's nothing provocative. Well, it might be, but not directly. Just some philosophical matters. It's ironic that hip hop is so much about personal philosophy, yet it's being twisted into a cash cow the world over, and people are making rules out of it. The original guidelines are appreciated and should be respected, but we don't need those rules you came up with yourself. That's your personal philosophy, so don't force it on others and blaspheme their hard work and effort. I was just thinking about Felix's last workshop session, which I freeloaded, and the words he said then, and this came to my mind.

When I first stepped into this world, I didn't care about the frills and clauses and conditions. For me, hip hop dance, funk dance, modern dance, whatever... the only word that mattered to me was 'dance'. 'Hip hop', 'funk', 'modern', who cares, right? You can dance hip hop to classical music, pop to house and whatnot. I'm not so sure now.

There are those pioneers who adamantly disregard all forms of innovation. Their intent is good; they mean to respect the roots of the dances. Then there are those who are always experimenting; to them, stagnation will be the death of things. Who is right? Is there even a right or a wrong? Maybe it is up to us to decide. People criticise us hip hop dancers as pansies being spoonfed in studios. I don't really care, even if it isn't hip hop. I enjoy dancing and it doesn't matter to me what prefix you put on it.

I'm still thinking.

Now Playing: A*teens - Halfway Around The World

This song reminds me of Sze Sian, whom I miss dearly... how I treasure those days, when we were so innocent. I used to think innocence was about a clean mind and all that; my eyes are opened now... but I digress. Such a wastefully cheerful and sappy song, but I love wastefully cheerful and sappy songs. Maybe that's what I am, usually.

I remember before our FYEs in secondary two, we went to her great-uncle's plantation in Batu Pahat. Her parents drove us there. It was awesome. We were singing in the car on the way there, and we had an awesome day and a great dinner with red wine. I'm quite sure we were drunk on the way back, because we went nuts in the car... but I can vividly remember looking out the window and seeing the whole sky full of stars. Wonderful. Those simple pleasures seem to be lost... I want to try and find them again.

10:40 pm

24 November 2007

I finally managed to wake up on time, wash up on time, leave the house on time and reach school on time. Unfortunately I was really tired today - to the point I'm subconsciously scribbling notes during service with my eyes closed (I did get everything down though...) and I couldn't catch the beat for the little routine Gin taught today. After all that, I still slept on the bus all the way from Simpang Bedok to Old Airport Road. Well... I feel slightly energised now.

Well... I don't know if it's for sure, but I hope it is. My last block in design school is over. I guess I'm still going to help the girls with the sequins and other stuff for the Christmas competition these few weeks. No way am I going to take part in the Triumph Inspiration Awards... designing lingerie? That's bad for my rep! Although the prizes are pretty ludicrous...

I told Gin about it. She didn't seem too upset... maybe because I'm following in her footsteps, in a way :3

I saw someone cry today. Why are you crying? Maybe it's not my place to ask that question... maybe you think the rest and I should know the answer ourselves. Maybe it's not even us. If only you would confide more in us. You're our beloved tao, don't you think we'd support you the best we can?

To be honest, there's two reactions I have to people who have problems... I'd either rip the heck out of them for pulling other people in, or I'd want to help them. I've seen a lot of the first. I'm hesitant to do the latter, since I might be seen as a meddler. Why can't we let us help each other out? Why can't we let us stay true to ourselves? Why do we have to be so reserved?

If it were me, I could give two poops about whether you mess my problems up further, because at least I know someone cares enough to try to help. Unless you really made a mountain out of a molehill, then I'd be angry for a couple of days; but no grudges, ever. That's what I like so much about people like Mervin. People say things about him, but he's obviously a diamond in the rough compared to the rest of them... a kind and good person at heart.

You know. People say I'm harsh with my criticism. Look at it this way. I could have said much worse things... but I didn't. That was the worst I could think of then. I could have said something like, "She's fat and ugly!" (general example). I didn't. Doesn't that mean I actually think quite highly of those people whom I did criticise?

Why are you people so impatient? My criticism is always later balanced out with praise, and I've always held praise for everybody... though you people probably have ears tuned only for the former, thus you probably never heard me praising anybody.

Yet, I was told people are more sensitive than that. Ok, my bad. You guys are the dopest. But of course.

(Exasperated sigh.)

Now Playing: Mariah Carey - We Belong Together

11:38 pm

21 November 2007

Yeah! The group presentation for communicating design ideas is over! Bina said we were fantastic... although I didn't contribute much. Oops. I'm going to miss Jacqueline and Pearlyn Koh and Qi Jia and of course, JOY! Even though you call me cockroach and abuse me emotionally, I shall forgive you. And you owe me money for teh peng... nah, I'm not that petty, though I should be, considering my financial status.

And... the other ADMers who may chance upon this blog might not get this... but I'll miss you girls (and guys) too.

I went for dinner with the Fantastic Four plus Doctor Doom minus Ivy plus Cheris last night. It was surreal. I can't believe the block is going to be over and we won't be seeing each other in class again... being with them is like taking drugs. Especially Ziyang and his obsession with Digimon...

I am SO HAPPY that I totally OWNED my individual report for Leadership and Character. It was on Moses as depicted in the Prince of Egypt, though I mixed in stuff about biblical Moses too. I mentioned Gin in one of the paragraphs too. Don't ask.

Ganbatte, Kevin.

Now Playing: Nobuo Uematsu - Waltz For The Moon

12:32 am

17 November 2007

Today's dance practice was interesting. The physical training was a little easier than usual, but there was a little twist after that for the girls. They had to walk in heels! Then, they had to learn a routine in heels! So the morning was filled with the clicking and clacking of wood on wood mixed with Britney Spears' Barenaked(?)... surreal isn't it.

Suddenly, it was freestyling time! Gin called the breakers, poppers, lockers, reggae and modern dancers (in that order) to come out and show their stuff. It was a real nice show, everyone was in good shape. Weiqiang and Melvyn pulled surprises on us, and pretty much all the poppers were great. I had my turn to lock, but I got nervous and did some really kuku moves. I got to point at Gin though... hehe. I think I screwed up breaking.

Today, I got to watch Aaron from Project O's first batch dance. I was impressed. The passion that such a dancer exudes on stage will make you forget about how "he never really improved that much" and "he's not that good". Sometimes, one will feel that all that stuff about dance being so much about passion is all mush and sentimentality; It's on occasions like these that you know passion IS important.

Now Playing: Alison Yap - Awaken My Soul

11:53 pm

Tai
Yurd
Ah

(Disappointed about Jam & Hop too. Some punk released a lot of roaches at TCC, or so I heard.)

Zzzzzzzz...

2:07 am

15 November 2007

I knew it wouldn't be this easy... trying not to give in, fighting the odds. When I see the expressions on their faces, I can't help but feel my heart sink immensely. You know, sometimes the circumstances can weigh a person down till it numbs his conscience, and the things they keep telling him eventually begin to have truth in his own eyes.

"You're an immature, naive fool."
"You'll never understand people like us."
"You just have to go and be different, to try and change the status quo."
"That's the umpteenth time you've hit someone accidentally... what a lousy dancer."

I can't lose my conscience. I know who I am... I know my intentions... I know what I'm fighting for... The oppression just gets so heavy sometimes. I'm sure people mean well when they smile for me and say they'll be there for me, and I'm so grateful for that, but this battle I'm fighting... can it really be understood?

I feel like Moses who has come back to Egypt, the land of oppression. Once part of the royal family, fallen from their grace because of the greater destiny placed before him...

Now Playing: Hans Zimmer - The Burning Bush

11:02 pm

14 November 2007

What an exciting day, I left my wallet on the bus coming home from school and only discovered it when I alighted. By the time I realized it, the bus was already moving.

So... with my IC, EZ Link card, matriculation card and $40+ at stake, I ran. I ran as fast as I could. Thank God for traffic lights. I knocked furiously on the entrance door, and the driver looked at me like I was the plague. Thankfully, he opened the door after I gave him my best facial expressions, and I reclaimed my wallet. Yayyy!

In the afternoon, I watched The Prince of Egypt with Lynette, Kevin and halfway through, Stephanie. Now, before you scoff at the notion of watching a nearly-decade-old cartoon, you have to know that my leadership CDS' individual assignment involves watching a movie that is somewhat related to the subject. The Prince of Egypt was the most appealing on the list.

So there I was, sitting on a pretty uncomfortable chair in front of a roughly 17 or 19 inch CRT TV screen. Can't expect much from a free movie. I thought I would just have a good time, take some notes, enjoy the movie. I didn't enjoy the movie; I was enthralled by it. At one point it nearly moved me to tears. Movies rarely do that for me, so 'moving' is not an understatement. Watch the movie if you can... it's awesome.

~ ~ ~

What is love?

Love is going at it till you feel nauseous.
Love is attending a class where half the people don't know you, and most of those that do, don't like you much.
Love is deciding to continue even though your body is telling you to stop.
It's giving it your all even when you don't know the whole choreography.
It's trying your best even though your toe hurts crazy bad and your shoulder still isn't perfect yet.
It's exploring and doing things you've never done before.

There's other explanations to love too. Different people have different ways. What matters is what you decide to do with them.

Am I in love?

Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will

You will when you believe...

Now Playing: Michelle Pfeiffer & Sally Dworsky - When You Believe (Movie Version)

10:32 pm

Things can change in an instant.
Or is it a different perspective?
Zoom out too much to look at things, and you will be detached from the emotions.
Zoom in too much, the view distorts and skews.

The only constant in this world is change. Sometimes it seems we are hiding behind different masks all the time; but the truth is, we're just changing.

I hope the sun will be out tomorrow!

Finding a way to live
Giving it everything

Finally, I am seeing clearer
Finally, we can be who we are

Now Playing: Lisa Shaw - Grown Apart

1:48 am

12 November 2007

I found this extremely amusing.

Now Playing: Cho PD feat. 인순이 - 친구여 (Oh Friend)

11:59 pm

A city set on a hill
A light that no one can hide
It burns with a dream
The dream ignites us all

Lead me on, to a higher plane...

I'm looking forward to learning more in dance, looking forward to improving.
There is a vision to be realized.
I sound really crazy now.
Hehehehehe.

By the way, I went K-ing today. I had a real good time... singing one octave below everyone. Felt nice singing 'When You Say Nothing At All' though. It was one of those rare English entrees that had the original MV instead of some random European scenery shot at an angle with a random, horribly outdated model walking around and gazing into the camera. K-Box is a good place to discover nice Mandarin songs.

Now Playing: David Yem & KC Gan - Run To You

1:06 am

10 November 2007

I could point out all the flaws in the things you've said. I could go on and on every day about how much injustice there is. I could express myself so vividly and arouse the worst of emotions in all my readers... but this has to stop somewhere...

...because my conscience is clear.

What matters is the heart behind actions, not the results; the heart carries things of eternal value but results amount to nothing when we move on. When the light of peace enters one's heart, the darkness of grief and sorrow is dispelled. What I have in me cannot be defeated. Some people know what I mean, but if you don't, it doesn't matter.

Today, I heard several things from the mouth of Dr Ulf Ekman.

"The world cannot love, it can only smile. It uses friendliness to push its agenda."
"Even in a family, there's all sorts of disagreements... but they stay true."
"Will you smile and use, or will you love and remain friends?"

Reader, maybe this time you're thinking, "This post isn't meant for me, right?"
Wrong. This is for YOU... and it's also for YOU, and YOU, and YOU. It's for everyone, actually.

Will YOU reflect on this? Will YOU act on it?

I used to answer questions myself in my entries. This time, it's up to YOU to answer.

Do you think that I'm talking out of my butt, that what YOU're in now is unsalvageable? Sorry to burst your bubble, but it isn't. If the Pope (not the current one) could forgive his would-be assassin... why can't we do the same to people who haven't even tried to kill us?

~~~~~

I can't write songs, so I guess I'll just take one by Alicia Keys and dedicate it to a special lady...

Alicia Keys - No One

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry cause
Everything's gonna be alright

People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is
Everything's gonna be alright

No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel
For you you you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry cause
Everything's gonna be alright

People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is
Everything's gonna be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel
For you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

I know... some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know... people will try
Try to divide something so real

So till the end of time
I'm telling you that...

...no one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one no one no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

The lady's name is Dance.

10:16 pm

09 November 2007

I wonder when people will stop hiding things from me concerning my behaviour and just tell me... instead of keeping it in until a convenient time when it could be used to show what a lousy guy I am. They know that I tend to come up with blunt comments, and that's my fault... so why don't they tell me? They enjoy attacking me all at once is it? Attacking me when I'm down? Saving the 'best' for last?

Is it everyone's duty to make sure I feel wrong? They say everyone's imperfect. So I guess I'm the most imperfect, coming back to affirm how wrong I am when it's supposed to be over. Why? I guess I just have this face and personality that everyone loves to hate. Since people keep finding faults with me, since they would rather not talk to me, since I don't want to belong to some segregationist clan, since they tell me something nice but in the end nothing changes.

The most hurtful thing is they think I don't care. They think that I'm out to get them. I don't attack people. I only defend myself. You know, there's a difference between a passing comment and a serious statement. Sorry if you can't differentiate between the two.

Reader, if you think I'm arrowing you... guess what, I'm not. You're not the only one.

It's getting out of control
I'm backing down this time
I don't wanna fight
I don't care who's right

Now Playing: Jennifer Lopez - Wrong When You're Gone

11:32 pm

07 November 2007

I'm tired of trying to be perfect for everyone. I keep on failing anyway. I felt so much better not coming online on MSN for the past two nights. I shall do that more.

12:20 am

05 November 2007

If I can't get my dream job a few years down the road, I really wouldn't mind being a food journalist.
Having lunch on a cool Sunday afternoon is perfect. It feels like I'm hanging out at a resort. Hahahahaha...
Reader, if you happen to pass by Old Airport Road after 7am, make sure you stop and check out the food centre here; it absolutely rocks my world.

Three more weeks till the holidays! Then I have a couple of days to sneak over to JB with Kevin and get some new (fake) kicks. Yeahhh. After that... it's training.

I can't believe I'm still doing ComDI. If Jacqueline read this she'd probably kick my butt right now.

Now Playing: RIKKI - Isn't It Beautiful

10:28 am

04 November 2007

I'm sorry for whatever I've done that has offended anyone.

I just want to improve. Skills, character, whatever.

I hope this makes you people happy.

Why did you all have to change?

I think I danced better when I didn't know anybody.

Now Playing: Fort Minor - Where'd You Go

12:17 am

03 November 2007

Why can't we accept people different from ourselves? Why must we penalise each other so heavily for every tiny mistake we make? Why can't we just set it all aside and improve collectively?

Or are we just trying to make this a clique thing? Hoping one day the people we don't like now will just go away, and we can do our own thing happily...?

Finally, I locked a little in the studio today, after watching videos at the library. One particularly recent routine by Hilty and Bosch caught my eye... probably the "soul locking" that Danny has mentioned to me several times.

But it just feels strange. It feels like there's always people looking at me, questioning my every action.
"You think your locking very good is it?"
"Nothing better to do on a Friday evening so come here and take up space ah?"
"In the breaking group and don't want to sign up for Felix's PDP, still wanna come here and lock..."
"Never go and learn formally still want to show off..."
"Just stick to breaking, you're not really good at anything else..."

Maybe people think those thoughts, or say those things to each other concerning me. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Can I help it? Time and time again people have proven that I'm not worthy of their genuine interest and friendship. And from what I've seen, that kind of means I'm only worthy of being a doormat for them.

1:06 am

02 November 2007

I feel like I've let my parents down. I've always been lying to myself, saying that I'm still alright with my studies. The truth is, I've been deproving all along. Ever since 7 years back, it's been going from bad to worse. Now it has finally hit me. I feel cornered. I don't want to lose this.

What's after this? What am I supposed to do? What can I do?

1:58 am