June 11
Boy/Man/Male/Not girl
Dance, expression and not impression
Temasek Polytechnic
Apparel Design & Merchandising
30 November 2006
Wah... I think I'm going to be tired tomorrow. And there's cell group meeting after work. AHHHH!!! Oh yeah, in that case, I should go to bed.
Now Playing: Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance
12:48 am
27 November 2006
AHHHHH!!! My eyes and nose are so itchy. I think it's the rain. Or maybe my fringe is at that length where it keeps poking me. Or maybe it was Popeye's chicken.
Speaking of Popeye's chicken, I was blessed with a dinner treat by Kekang today. He's a generous fellow. We talked about the usual emotional stuff, except this time I gave him some constructive advice. Or, so I hope.
Oh yes, I have also been given a raise somewhat. You see, I had told John that I wanted my pay to be at least $4.50 per hour. The day before I started work, the boss (John's dad, in case you haven't inferred) told me he was willing to give me $4 per hour. Since I would be hard pressed to find a job elsewhere with such ease, I accepted. Plus I would have John to keep me company in the office all day long anyway. And just now, the boss told me that he would pay me $5 per hour! Woohoo. God is good.
By the way, this person by the name of Doctor Wu left his/her pair of GUCCI sunglasses at the office. John and I were having fun posing around and taking pictures. Man, I want a pair of expensive Italian-made sunglasses too. Too bad I already wear spectacles... eh, then again, I can still see quite ok without my spectacles. At least I don't trip over things.
The question(s) now is(are), should I wear my hoody tomorrow? Is it overworn already? Does something so flashy need to be taken in moderation? Ahhhh... my controversial and colourful hoody. One of my best investments, I feel.
11:45 pm
26 November 2006
Hey friend...
We've got to be less negative, less cynical, less pessimistic. We've got to have more self-esteem, cheerfulness and innocence.
Innocence is important. It seems like so long ago when I was still a naive fool who didn't see people's hearts right. But that is not a good kind of innocence. It is like honey, sweet and fragrant. But when it is burnt, it turns black and worthless. This kind of innocence will fall to disappointment and harsh reality. This is the kind of innocence many people lost, and find it so hard to regain because they don't want to lose it all over again.
There is good news. There is innocence that stands the test of fire, like frankincense that becomes more fragrant as it burns. This innocence is mature and pure, of love and not selfishness. This is what I want. Friend, shall we find it together? Let us go back to the start once again, to be innocent...
My heart is heavy, Feels like it's time, To dream again. I see the clouds, And yes, I'm ready, To dance upon, This barren land, Hope in my hands...
11:05 pm
Give me strength to cross this water, Keep my heart upon that altar.
Give me strength to cross this water, Keep my feet, don't let me falter.
Rain down...
From Rain Down by Delirious?
9:30 pm
25 November 2006
Happy birthday...
Usher - My Boo
There's always that one person That will always have your heart You'll never see it coming Cause you're blinded from the start Know that you're that one for me It's clear for everyone to see Ooh baby... You will always be my boo
I don't know bout cha'll But I know about us and uh This is the only way We know how to rock I don't know bout cha'll But I know about us and uh This is the only way We know how to rock
Do you remember girl I was the one who gave you your first kiss Cause I remember girl I was the one who said put your lips like this Even before all the fame and People screaming your name Girl I was there when you were my baby
It started when we were young girl You were mine, my boo Now another brother's taking over But its still in your eyes my boo Even though we used to argue it's alright I know we haven't seen each other In awhile but you will always be my boo
I was in love with you when we were younger You were mine, my boo And I see it from time to time I still feel like my boo And I can see it no matter How I try to hide my boo Even though there's another man in my life You will always be my boo
Yes, I remember boy Cause after we kissed I could only think about your lips Yes I remember boy The moment I knew You were the one I could spend my life with Even before all the fame And people screaming your name I was there and you were my baby
It started when we were young girl You were mine, my boo Now another brother's taking over But its still in your eyes my boo Even though we used to argue it's alright I know we haven't seen each other In awhile but you will always be my boo
1:15 am
24 November 2006
The thought of paying for dance classes with my own money warms the cockles of my heart. In the meantime, I have to pick up some freezes or footwork.
7:57 pm
Tonight was graduation night. I had work earlier in the day, but I got to go off as early as John, so I had some time to catch a nap before going to school. I was really fortunate today. My hair was compliant, I didn't sweat too much, and my clothes fit perfect. Too bad I didn't have any dress shoes to wear... although my AF1's were pretty fly for the job.
It was really nice to see everyone so dressed up, or pimped out in a few guys' cases (I thought John was pimp but Ivan Chan takes the cake). Took some pictures with the 5A guys before Diana came to usher us up to the hall. The graduation ceremony was quite nice, although I wish people would just shut up when someone is speaking on stage. Oh yes, the CHC graduates all sat together at one table. Cool right? Power table. John, Sam and I were laughing the night away, especially at Adel's(?) darn suggestive emcee-ing.
Adel: "Please stick in your - " Hakim from 4R: "OH MY GOSH AH AH AH".
You get the idea. Dinner was interesting. The first two dishes were the traditional cold dish and soup. Supposedly shark's fin soup but tasted more like chicken soup with added flour and crab meat. But it tasted good anyway. The butter prawns were a pleasant surprise.
The class speech plus video was pretty funny. Eeyen is a good speaker... go hamster! Adam from 4R and Zizie from 4E won best dressed award, Anavil and Charlene were Prince and Princess. Poor Anavil and Charlene... they just had to change the titles this year. But they did their 4R dance and it was cool.
All in all, it was a little more boring than I expected. I wanted to dance. But I guess Temasekians aren't "on" enough or something. Luckily I had John and Sam there to heckle, cheer, gawk and joke the night away with.
Ahh... still got to go to work tomorrow. Oh well, at least there aren't so many invoices to manage now. I hope I just need to type and print them out. Eh yeah, I can't wait to reveal my hoody. WOOHOO!
12:10 am
22 November 2006
Among the more savvy atheists, modern Christian bands seem to have either paradoxical or poser-ific images. While I could quote tons of Bible verses on why loud music is perfectly alright for praising The Man, I kind of expect a whole mass of jaded sunday-school backsliders to come at me with their twisted self-pity ideals and all blablablabla...
The point is, if it's for a good cause without being morally wrong (morally as in, if it tugs at your heart. Premarital sex is not good. Loud rock music could be good), IT'S GOOD.
Ok, so the point is, I like this song. It's by Hillsong United. It's a good song. I like it.
Hillsong United - Free
WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I SAID THAT WE ARE THE ONES WHO CAN MAKE THE CHANGE IN THE WORLD TODAY WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I SAID THAT ALL OF THE DREAMS IN YOUR HEART CAN COME TRUE TODAY WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I SAID THAT LIFE CAN BE ALL THAT YOU WANT IT TO BE TODAY
AND IF I HAD WINGS I WOULD FLY 'CAUSE ALL THAT I NEED, YOU ARE AND IF THE WORLD CAVED IN AROUND ME TO YOU I'D STILL HOLD ON 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL THAT I BELIEVE AND THE ONE THAT CREATED ME JESUS, BECAUSE OF YOU I'M FREE
WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I SAID THAT GOD CAN MAKE MIRACLES HAPPEN TODAY WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I SAID THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO WAIT FOR THE ANSWERS BEFORE YOU STEP OUT IN FAITH WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I SAID THAT NOTHING IS EVER IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD
JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH GOD INSIDE YOU WON'T REGRET ONE MOMENT OF IT AND GIVE ALL THAT YOU CAN FOR GOD FOR GOD
I'M FREE I'M FREE I'M FREE I'M FREE FOR GOD
11:38 pm
My first day at work! Actually it wasn't really serious stuff. Considering my employer is John's dad, and my colleague is John. Haha, we spent half the day in one corner sorting out more than 1 year's worth of invoices. The stack was about as thick as... four or five chemistry textbooks? We arranged ALL of them in order in one day ok, so we didn't slack.
Tomorrow is graduation night, but I still have to go to work. Haha... ok... but the boss is still going to let me off early so I could go home and dress myself up. I hope Sam's table has space.
OH NO! I ran out of Oreos. Oh well, there's still a huge chunk of chocolate besides that... my throat is going to hate me. I don't know why I feel excited now. Not for tomorrow night, but I just feel excited for the rest of my holidays until school starts. Maybe because I'm going to have MONEY (yeah, it's true that money makes the world go round. Metaphorically.). Then I can give my pledged amount and give my parents money and pay for O School classes and maybe replace my terminally ill handphone. Actually, that's quite a lot of money. But at least the one who's working for it now is ME!!!
:]
8:31 pm
21 November 2006
I wonder why everyone is getting so upset. Or, I wonder why they are getting so upset and not letting things go. I used to look up to them in some aspects. Now I don't look down on them, but I keep them at arm's length. It's a little hard to love people this way, but let me just reiterate that it's up to the person to decide whether he or she wants to accept love.
I also wonder why people keep coming up with the same old insults all the time. So boring. The F-word should be used to accentuate an insult, not to dominate it. I would show you an example, but I won't for the sake of censorship and being clean-mouthed/fingered. And I never (except for a couple of slips) use that word already anyway. Remember back in lower sec when my language was so foul and idiotic? Haha... I feel kind of happy for myself now.
Alright, let's have an actual weblog post for once. It's nice to return to Jurong West. John and his cell group seemed to be following us everywhere (haha, or is it us following them?). I'm pleasantly surprised that Christian still remembers me. The whole meeting seemed so short. Is it a sign of progress, or a sign of being physically used to all these events? I don't know. I want to progress, but it's not easy. It feels like trying to run through a Cambodian minefield. Oh yeah, John told everyone about the Bape hoody! Darn. Now the element of surprise is diminished. It was nice to wear our new kicks to be baptised at Jurong West though. Woohoo!
Now Playing: LEO - Please
11:40 pm
The holiday feeling is finally setting in. The awesome weather (well, it looks awesome from my room where I have a fan and Daikin A/C), the upbeat J-pop that I purposefully chose, the somewhat busy week ahead, my cat walking around and meowing aimlessly...
The 'O' levels are over, baby. I feel like going to Sentosa but I get the feeling there'll be all the construction-site noises there with the Sentosa Express and all, plus everyone else seems busy already. I can't wait to move back to Kallang, then I'll be so much closer to all those places I love (except Expo).
Now Playing: Ayumi Hamasaki - Girlish
1:42 pm
20 November 2006
What a nice day. I went to JB with John and his mom to shop. I bought: 1. Corduroy blazer from K-2 2. Corduroy long pants from K-2 3. Fake but nice laser-etched Mouri Air Force 1's from Damaged 4. A Bathing Ape multicolour hoody from (forgot)
The one I can't make up my mind with are the AF1's. They are fake, and yet they are laser-etched. Nicely, I might add. Those Koreans are really good at producing high quality fakes. I shall wear my hoody to service and scare the crap out of everyone. Hehehe.
But I will cherish these items greatly, just like my Melo's. Because that's how my dad is showing me love. I really do not deserve him as my dad actually. Although I almost only see him on weekends, but that's because he works so hard to keep us floating (happily). Now, I must get down to business and start saving like mad. I sure hope I can find some work soon...
By the way, why am I always the one with the problem? I'm just minding my own business and being a semi-manipulative-with-no-ill-intent person and somehow I am labelled as "problem classmate/schoolmate". It's not like I currently have a really bad temper problem like a certain very famous classmate of mine, nor, heaven forbid, do I condemn anyone publicly (meaning on this blog). Well, if I did, I didn't mean it. So there. Leave me alone ok, I'm a perfectly normal person. I just need some money. Hurhurhur!
Now Playing: Jay Chou - 菊花台
10:14 pm
19 November 2006
I love it when people try to get me to change my mood or expression. They're either angry or trying to get me excited. I give them the same face as the one I have on when I eat lunch, take a bus ride or read a book. I'm not emotionally shut down. Or at least, I'm better than four months ago. And it has been four months since I shed a tear during service... it is not an indicator of anything, but aren't there times when one just wants to cry? Hmm... I think my behaviour annoys them. Which is fine with me actually, since I'm not obliged to respond the way others want, right? And it's not like I'm throwing any heat at them either.
So I have still have no idea why fjhdsagljhsflghlgjkhfklaj I'm supposed to pay for the class chalet. (For the true meaning of this gibberish, ask me.)
"you should look back sometimes & think about the happy times you had instead of the bad experiences. cheer up:D life's not that bad even though you do get frustrated sometimes. don't let all this affect you." I don't know if this is meant for me. But even if it isn't, I shall steal it and use it for myself... hahahaha. I hope Claudia doesn't mind. She still doesn't know this blog's URL.
9:50 pm
18 November 2006
That last post was so angry... I can't believe I'm still like this. I shall use this post to hide that one. I can't encourage the devil.
Sigh... seems like now that A&B has started, spiritual attacks are hitting harder. I've never acted like this towards my parents, especially not my humble and meek (I'm not being sarcastic) father. Sometimes I ask myself why they bother. Is it the male or female child stigma? I thought that sort of conservative crap was gone long ago. My sister is so much more successful than me. She can concentrate in her studies better, is a Victorian, and is destined for a place in NUS next year. I'm just a inattentive guy who actually WANTS to go to a polytechnic and aspires to some craaaazy things.
Of course I intend to be as good as her in other ways, but for now I haven't got anything under my belt... so I don't know why I act like a damned prince. On the other hand, I'm so worried. Does my situation mean I have to wait until next year when school starts before I can start picking up dance again? I hope I can find some work to do... the money is really necessary.
Oh yeah, I'm typing informally now (as in speech, but of course with proper punctuation), so all my entries should read more naturally.
11:32 pm
Betrayed, again and again and again. Sometimes I feel like giving up on people. If you don't want to spend time with me, then just say it, don't give some stupid excuse like "Sorry JJ, I'm not in the mood." WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR STUPID PMS EVERY OTHER DAY, DID I EVER COMPLAIN? ESPECIALLY WHEN IT WAS DURING THE TIME WHEN THOSE "FRIENDS" OF MINE KEEP STABBING AT ME?
NO! I SAT THERE AND LISTENED TO YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR "TROUBLES". AT LEAST YOU CAN GO TO SAJC, SO SHUT UP AND STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW "HORRID" YOUR LIFE IS. DO YOU EVEN DESERVE A GIRL WITH THAT KIND OF PATIENCE?
On the other hand, I feel guilty for emotionally threatening my parents the way I did. But why can't they just admit the reason they're being so uptight? Sigh... Oh, why am I even posting this. I told this story before, and the listener wasn't even listening. People like that... if you don't do anything to help the situation it's fine, but at least you can lend a ear. Oh well, seems like a lot of people from that CCA are like that. And they flock together so that they can overwhelm with whorish force anyone who dares to say anything about them.
I just have so much to say... I don't know if anyone listens. But because I am not a part of the group, I'm pretty much wrong in every issue. I saw a poster in school the other day, and it read "courage is doing what is right even if you're the only one doing it". I hope I'm courageous.
Oh yeah, I'm writing informally now, so it reads more naturally.
11:01 pm
17 November 2006
The 'O' levels end (for me) tomorrow!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
And it has to be elective history, of all subjects. I dislike humanities.
12:43 am
14 November 2006
I am facing a dilemma. Decisions, decisions.
Mass communications diploma or 'A' level certificate? Ngee Ann Polytechnic or Serangoon Junior College? Basketball or dance?
Of course, if my English does not score a distinction (unpredictable really), I can kiss that mass comm. course goodbye. Which solves my problem. But it really looks enticing, and it is probably even harder to enrol in than SRJC.
I would join basketball if I go to JC, but dance if I end up in a polytechnic. How is that? Argh, I still do not feel satisfied. How??? I still have not decided my path and it is already NOVEMBER.
X_X
9:01 pm
13 November 2006
Usher - Burn
I don't understand why See it's burning me to hold onto this I know this is something I gotta do But that don't mean I want to What I'm trying to say is that I love you I just I feel like this is coming to an end And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you I gotta let it burn
It's gonna burn for me to say this But it's comin from my heart It's been a long time coming But we done been fell apart Really wanna work this out But I don't think you're gonna change I do but you don't Think it's best we go our separate ways Tell me why I should stay in this relationship When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with I think that you should let it burn
When your feeling ain't the same And your body don't want to But you know gotta let it go cuz The party ain't jumpin' like it used to Even though this might bruise you Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you Hate the thought of her being with someone else But you know that it's over Been knew it was through Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn
Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to Got somebody here but I want you Cause the feelin ain't the same find myself Callin' her your name Ladies tell me do you understand? Now all my fellas do you feel my pain? It's the way I feel I know I made a mistake Now it's too late I know she ain't comin back What I gotta do now To get my shorty back Ooo ooo ooo ooooh Man I don't know what I'm gonna do Without my booo You've been gone for too long It's been fifty-leven days, umpteen hours Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me Is tellin' me that I need to move on On the other side I wanna Break down and cry (ooooh) I'm twisted cuz one side of me Is tellin' me that I need to move on On the other side I wanna Break down and cry (yeah)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh Ooh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?) Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh So many days, so many hours I'm still burnin' till you return
9:08 pm
12 November 2006
My world is a very big one. There are no true boundaries for me. The only limits that exist, exist in the heart. Why do you all oppress me? Why are we, who see the big picture and do what virtue compels us to do (to an extent), condemned by those who think small? Why do you choose to hate someone, and all that he stands for (not I, in this case), when the mistakes he makes are out of simple ignorance and not malice?
Foresight tells me many things. Divorce, addiction, immaturity, crime. I wish I could laugh because these things, happen to people I know (in foresight at least). And I wish I could hate these people. But I must love them, no matter how hard to irritate, hate, anger or trample over me, because that is what is right.
Sadly, they refuse, because the price they must pay to avoid these is heavy, by their standards. However, I do not set the price. It is they, because if they do not value the rewards of giving up certain things, then of course they see those things as much more valuable. What are those "things" then? Cliques, conformity, popularity, reputation, social standing. You can deny it, saying that it is an archetypical picture of a teenager's world, but these are exactly what drives a vast proportion of the decisions we make.
Somehow, the hole is my soul's pocket is beginning to mend by itself. I saved up four years of connecting with a myriad of characters... and I spent it all in a month. At first, I thought it was a foolish decision. It meant that I had wasted four years of my life, making school life miserable for myself. But pondering what comes next, after the O-levels... then the A-levels or my diploma... after national service and maybe a degree... no, it does not seem such a high price. I have seen many things and learnt many things during my secondary school years. One being how to be a real person, who follows his heart (and there is the beauty of it all, if you know my beliefs well enough. Chances are, you do not...) and has an infallible attitude.
Now, you may contend with me by saying, "You think only you have made sacrifices, but what about us? You made us feel like crap, put us down and never failed to criticise us." I admit that I was a little immature in putting across my challenges. I myself have been challenged many times. And did you all not complain about my excessively holier-than-thou behaviour? How would you feel if that is what you get for trying to change people for the better?
I never dwelled on it for long, because I knew that it was my fault for not pointing out your flaws with love, being WWE-blunt and yes - holier-than-thou. Have you all thought of it? That there is any semblance of truth in my words? Or are you all afraid of changing? These are not words of contempt... this is a challenge.
* * *
I wonder who I will meet in the coming years. Will I be disappointed again? Of course I will, as people are not perfect (I need not remind regular readers of this another time... sorry). Will I love people earnestly? I hope I will, and I want to. The question is... Will they let me love them? After all, my thoughts differ vastly from most in one way or another (denying that is like saying your dad is Luther Vandross), and society would regard a person with these thoughts as an aberration, and attempt to get rid of him or simply destroy him, no less.
Sometimes, I browse through my blog entries and see a dark and brooding potential terrorist. I would tell you not to confuse philosophical differences (mostly ethical in my case) with extremism. Simply put, if you do not agree with me... I cannot do anything short of committing a violent crime can I? And of course, I am not willing to go to jail over intangible differences. I am not "dark and brooding" either. It only seems like it because I used to be a rainbow with fairy dust and tulips blooming in the background.
I am, at my core, still the same person. I still love sushi, I still have a very cold sense of humour, I still love music without screaming (no offense, fans of that genre), I still play basketball, I have not thought of becoming a homosexual, I still adore cats... the only difference is, I feel that there is too much blindness pervading people's relationships, and I feel that there is too much injustice biased against that minority, dedicated to being true to themselves, as a result.
10:24 pm
IT IS NOT YOUR MONEY SO PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH IT. I AM NOT GOING ANYWAY SO IT IS COLLATERAL.
IF I AM STILL SUPPOSED TO PAY, I GUESS I MAY AS WELL STARVE TO DEATH BY THE END OF THE WEEK SINCE I WILL HAVE TO GIVE ALL MY MONEY FOR 5 DAYS.
THANKS A LOT.
:]
10:09 pm
11 November 2006
I think I am fat... although my BMI is below 22, but my tummy is bulging. Argh. Ok, I know it is uncommon (and unbecoming) for a guy to complain about the shape of his belly.
I have three more papers to go. These are the important ones. Actually, all the papers I am taking are important, because I have chosen to drop Add. Maths. Pure physics would be the most worrying one. Formulae for mechanics always elude me. History is also a matter of life and death, seeing how my performance for social studies was at most mediocre. Pure chemistry is the only bright spot, although qualitative analysis is still a major annoyance.
While most people would be busily focusing on the next paper, I am being the regular wuss and eagerly awaiting the end of the exams. Just 7 more days! Or 6, technically. Then after the history paper, I would go to Cheney's house to attend the cell group meeting, then I would go to service the next day. And on Sunday - no more tuition! - I shall go and play basketball. Then shopping in Malaysia will commence on Monday.
1:20 am
10 November 2006
Everyone needs a little crudeness in their life too :]
10:22 pm
09 November 2006
People need to listen to some old songs sometime.
Ray Charles - Mess Around
Ah, you can talk about the pit, barbecue The band was jumpin', the people too
Ah, mess around They doin' the mess around They doin' the mess around,everybody doin' the mess around
Ah, everybody was juiced, you can, bet your soul They did the boogie-woogie, with a steady roll
They mess around They doin' the mess around They doin' the mess around,everybody doin' the mess around
Now, ah, when I say stop don't you move a peg When I say go, just ah, shake your leg
And do the mess around I declare, do the mess around Yeah do the mess around, Everybody's doin' the mess around
Now let me have it there boy Now you got it boy (Yeah, ah, mess around, go on mess around) (Mess around, boy)
Now this band's goin' to play from, 9 to 1 Everybody here's gonna have some fun
Doin' the mess around Ah, doin' the mess around They doin' the mess around, Everybody doin' the mess around
Now you see that girl, with that, diamond ring She knows how to, shake that thing
Mess around I declare, she can mess around Ah, mess around, Everybody do the mess around
9:53 pm
08 November 2006
This year, I have studied more hours than the rest of my years combined. Still, I am not studying as hard as other people. Is it enough? After all, I am "supposed" to be one of those people who just needs to look over a topic and understand it to answer questions or reproduce it on paper. But I am losing it.
Maybe because I despise the pursuit of intelligence now. Oh, do not get me wrong. Without intelligence we would all be vegetables. Unfortunately, knowledgeable people are all too often corrupt. I have seen it myself. A girl in VJC, with the lousiest attitude. The NUS student with genius IQ, convicted of fraud. A potential six-pointer, moral values so twisted. Please do not think that all smart people are like this, there are many of them whom I look up to (and I look up to people of good character, not intelligence). I only think that the proportion is bigger. But I can only comment. I am a very imperfect person too... but I KNOW it. And I try to improve myself. Of course, I cannot change overnight. But surely you can see the big difference in me from between 2004-2006. As for these people... well, I shall leave them for you to ponder.
Wisdom & Imagination > Intelligence I would say that the happiest people on earth are those who are wise. An intelligent person can enrol into that top 5 JC, and then graduate and get admitted into SMU (albeit barely, because person in question cannot do GP due to narrow-mindedness), becoming a CEO of some big corporation before 35. But can that person be happy with just that? In the end, it is about success is it not?
After climbing the corporate ladder, becoming financially successful... emptiness will settle in. Life suddenly has no meaning, because all life has been is following the norm, just a mad rush for the top. AND FOR WHAT? Just so that when you mess up a relationship, it will not hurt because everyone else is there to lick your feet. I should tell you that you are disgustingly selfish, because a relationship has TWO parties involved. I have been so self-centred before. My former classmates would know. But I do say sorry. My pride is not big enough to sink the island.
I am taking an alternative route to life. It is risky, and I could become poorer than a church mouse. But at least I will know that I chased my dream. I will die poor but happy, or successful and happy. Either way, I will be happy.
In case there are any 4V-ians reading, I cannot pay for the class chalet. I am sorry, I do not have the money. And I am not being sarcastic!
9:39 pm
06 November 2006
Ugh... after taking the social studies paper, I feel like my IQ is 50 instead (refer to yesterday's entry). Thankfully, maths was a breeze. I would post a really controversial comment about students in other countries taking 'O' levels, but I will be nice and stow it :]
I am actually in the mood for some Motown or R&B (no, not gangsta rap) now... but this caught my ears. Some people listen to music to escape, but I listen to music for empathy. Singing out one's feelings is pretty immature... but one cannot be too stiff and precocious, yes? I feel a flu coming on. Luckily there are no papers tomorrow, or I would be sneezing all over my paper.
Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
Hope dangles on a string Like slow spinning redemption Winding in and winding out The shine of it has caught my eye And roped me in So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing I am captivated, I am...
Vindicated, I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right I swear I knew it all along And I am flawed But I am cleaning up so well I am seeing in me now The things you swore you saw yourself
So clear... Like the diamond in your ring Cut to mirror your intentions Oversized and overwhelmed The shine of which has caught my eye And rendered me So isolated, so motivated I am certain now that I am...
Vindicated, I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right I swear I knew it all along And I am flawed But I am cleaning up so well I am seeing in me now The things you swore you saw yourself
So turn Up the corners of your lips Part them and feel my finger tips Trace the moment, fall forever Defense is paper thin Just one touch and I'd be in... Too deep now to ever swim against the current So let me slip away So let me slip against the current So let me slip away...
10:51 pm
05 November 2006
I do not want to take the 'O' levels!
Well, logically I do, because it will allow me to advance to my next stage of education. But of course, feelings often do not correspond to logic.
Speaking of logic, I felt bored and went to take a few IQ tests online. As dubious as the word "online" may suggest, I felt quite satisfied when most of the results were 130 and above, highest being 137. None were below 120 (take it with a pinch, no, a shipload, of salt). For comparison, Einstein's IQ was rated to be around 160-180. L and Light Yagami are supposed to have IQs of 200(?!).
My IQ might actually have been higher six years ago...
5:38 pm
04 November 2006
有四个人在打麻将。警察来到现场时，捉到了五个人。怎么会有五个人呢？
因为第五人就是叫麻将。 (highlight for answer)
Hahaha. It is a coooold night.
11:00 pm
03 November 2006
Sigh, it looks like you misunderstood our values. Let me liken it to a BGR. If there is this boy who will love you unconditionally, for who you are, not for what you have, you have a choice. First, let me just iterate that you could obviously love this guy because, well, he just seems completely perfect. You can accept his love and live a potentially more fulfilling and wonderful life. Or you can reject him because you do not like his circumstances like his friends (who adore him) and his beliefs, and continue living life as usual.
If this entry is not meant for you, forget about reading it, you will get very confused.
Now, let me add something. Imagine that you are now dying from leukaemia (IMAGINE, I am not cursing you in case anyone tries to old "how could you condemn others" trick). That boy, bless his heart, has a blood type that matches yours. So he can donate his bone marrow to you. But just a few months ago, when you rejected him, you told him that you hated him and everything he did disgusted you. You probably did not mean it, but what has been said has been said, and that got him off your back. So now, you can either continue dying in pride, or admit to him that you need his bone marrow.
Now, let us say you do not want to die and ask him to help you out nicely. Of course, being a nice boy, he accepts even though you must have hurt him very badly. And even after you do undergo a transplant, he does not press you to love him in return. All you had to do was accept his love - in the form of bone marrow - and you would live on for many years to come.
He loves you from beginning to end. But you will die if you do not let that love affect you.
And that is my analogy. Yes, fuck me (not literally), but that IS what the curse of mankind and redemption which started at the C-place is all about. If you preserve the status quo and believe that you are still loved, well guess what, you are! Hooray. But as long as you do not ACCEPT that love, leukaemia will still get you.
We live in a terrible, broken down world. Everyone has a dark side to them, including me. I made that obvious quite recently... The thing is, when a person makes mistakes in the name of another... it only means that that person is wrong. And even so, you cannot blame his ignorance on others who also do things in the name of that another. The human heart is deceitful above all things...
11:45 pm
The Death Note manga is absolutely amazing. It will probably trump any other thriller novel hands down, although there are supernatural circumstances involved. I am at chapter 52, and the story has already twisted more ways than Mt. Akagi. Read about it below (highlight; SPOILERS)
Light Yagami (who is 10000x better looking than that Battle Royale guy who played him in the movie) is no longer Kira! Now it is some manager of an MNC. Both Light and Misa have relinquished their Death Notes and thus have no memory of being Kiras whatsoever, and are working alongside L (who really reminds me of the Ju-on kid). It all culminates in a freaking exciting police chase, however exciting a sequence of still drawings can be. By the way, Watari is carrying a sniper rifle :D