on my way

28 November 2007

I don't know why I am posting this.

I was listening to music as usual on the way home tonight, when someone suddenly sat down beside and tapped me on the shoulder. It was an autistic, apparently mute boy. He showed me a card, which said something like "### is a hyperactive boy. He has communication problems... ....lives at Henderson Road..." He was pointing at the line which had his address. I don't know where Henderson Road is, so I just sort of gestured to him that I didn't know, upon which he got up and went to sit behind me.

After a while, I decided to help him by asking the bus driver, but I had to ask him to show me the address again. He didn't want to show it to me. Great, so even he would rather have me not meddling in his affairs.

Aside from that. I heard, read and saw a lot today. Berni's life, the trouble with her son, Joy's tuition student, the five late dragon boaters, the kid on the bus... These people, or their parents, they are more unfortunate than I am, but they still remain strong despite the odds. I respect them. I think people who go through continuous hardships like these deserve more respect than say, the most accomplished designer or dancer or singer... because it's not a voluntary thing. Not that I don't respect those people too... but they chose their path because of passion or talent. It's not some predestined misfortune.

Why do we complain? Why do we frown at the simplest of matters which, truthfully, can be resolved so much more easily? Why do we have to justify ourselves, to be right all the time? Why do I have to give in to these people? Why can't I stand up for myself once?

For once, I just feel like lashing out. Lashing out at the people who've wronged me. Just screaming at people who give me stupid excuses and blame me for their own problems. I feel like saying I hate them. I feel like wishing they experienced just how much more hurtful it is to be in my shoes. I feel angry at their words, unjustified by their reasoning, confounded by their pride (not that I don't have any).

Yet I'm sure that no one wants to be truly evil. "They know not what they do". I'm not trying to be some kind and understanding person - it's just that if I don't have a reason to hold my fire, I'd just go insane.

It's not easy holding back the urge to retaliate... and to be honest, my life isn't all that hard and gloomy. Just routine and lonely, at times. Mostly no one's fault but my own, I guess.

Am I aloof? I don't know... Maybe I'm just too used to being lost in my thoughts, in my own world. There are reasons for aloofness, if that is what you'd call it...

It's so much easier if people think "Jun Ji is so often quiet, and sharp-tongued when he speaks." Then I wouldn't have to live up to expectations. I wouldn't have to please people with my words. I wouldn't have to follow through with the impressions I give people. I wouldn't have to let people know how I really feel about things. I wouldn't have to be... vulnerable.

10:35 pm