on my way

31 October 2007

The clock is ticking,
Everyone is rushing,
Am I the only one walking slower?
Used to go home,
To cry to myself, alone.
My spirit kept going lower.

Familiarity breeds,
In time, tears stopped flowing.
Perhaps I had become strong.
Yet deep down,
The door had closed.
I had waited too long,

For the day,
Like those long ago,
Of joy and celebration.
There was no reason.
If you understand this,
You glimpse frustration.

I was naive then,
Eager to love and for expression.
In time I learnt it wouldn't be returned.
People left, I stayed.
'It wouldn't always be like that',
Was what I had discerned.

Nothing changed,
Resolve faltered,
The roots ran deep.
It's been a few years.
I can't decide who I am,
From memories I don't want to keep.

If there were a railroad bridge
That spanned the ocean,
I'd walk down about a mile.
Sit down to watch the sun set,
Lie down to count the stars,
Forget my troubles for a while.

If there were such a railroad bridge, would you walk down that bridge with me?

Now Playing: Nobuo Uematsu - Love Grows

11:56 pm

My dad got me a fresh Jordan brand cap. It's tight (as in, tyyyyte). Kind of enjoyed today. Just one more seam and one more waistband before I'm finally done with apparel production 1. Went for CDS with Kevin, and made friends there with Ivy and Ziyang. Two freshmen and two seniors. Hohoho. Really funny class. A little disappointed that I didn't get to dance today.

It feels awkward to post what's in my heart, now that my blog has quite a lot more publicity than before... but I shall try my best. I'm thankful for those people who have said they'll stand by me. Although I probably don't show it, but it really touched my heart. You all know who you are...

I really enjoyed being with this group of people. I feel uninhibited. But I have to apologise, for spacing out so much, for not telling anyone how I feel about anything.

Now Playing: Faye Wong - Eyes On Me

Why do people depend on each other? Eventually, they will leave. Sometimes, it's not their choice. But ultimately, it hurts all the same. When you felt you could have someone to turn to, when you felt you could have comfort... and then one day you realise no one's there anymore. I don't want that to happen again. People say I should talk more. Talking less makes everyone think 'Junji is such an unfriendly and boring guy... let's not talk to him", which makes my life easier actually... I thought I wanted to be close to people. Recently, I've been forced to remember that I'm afraid of being too close, too comfortable... even though I yearn for it. I'm going to play some PS2 now... it'll stop me from thinking for a while.

12:29 am

28 October 2007

I'm hungry and in the mood for shopping. My shoulder/arm still hurts. I don't feel like doing the 3D art journal. I wish I could dance like Danny Tidwell. I feel better now...

And it keeps on saying, come on in, come on in, come on in and save me.

4:55 pm

This bit is about Lynette:

L - long hair... kind of
Y - yellow skin (like all Chinese)
N - needs oxygen
E - eats prata with cheese sausage
T - talks to people
T - takes bus to school
E - expects me to post something less brainless than this

Hahahahaha sorry Lynette, it's 2.40am right now and my mind is blank. I was trying my best to stay awake during service and still only managed to keep one eye open, ok? And I'm posting with crap English today, so don't be disappointed... hehe.

That aside, I want a fresh start. I know roughly what direction I want to move towards. Obviously there will be people who will make this difficult, but I can't expect conditions to be perfect before I make a move can I? I don't know what to think now actually. Don't know who to believe, don't know who to trust, don't know what the heck is going on inside the minds of those around me, don't know what is expected of myself, don't know what people are trying to do to me.

Read the following paragraphs with this knowledge in mind: I am not shooting anyone. These are just the thoughts that ran through my mind today. If you don't feel me, comment like you don't.

To be honest, I thought I was just following what people were already doing. I guess everyone was waiting for some lone sheep to pounce on and tear apart, for me to make a mistake so I would be the one clearing up the mess they made. Everyone. I don't mean just dancers. Lynette said something about me being nice to bully. Don't worry, I'm not that easily offended. I think it just connects with what I'm trying to say.

Yeah... Anyone of you out there, from TKPS to TMS to TP, from 4V to ADM to TPDE, can argue your butt off about this with me, but this is what I feel. It's not even an opinion. It's a feeling. And know this... you're not obliged to make me change the way I feel. Should you be offended, it makes no difference if you try to screw up my life either, because that's already been done.

Tried to tell you all what's going on, but apparently it ain't gonna work. The words I get only apply to me, because I'm the only imperfect one. Another feeling.

By now, you the reader must be sufficiently provoked. Thus I implore you to:
1. Sit down
2. Think about it
Yeah. I'm not trying to be sarcastic. I guess that covers everything.

I guess I'll just go with the flow... just dance.
Gin used a nice song for warmup today.
Gonna donate blood tomorrow. Hope I don't feel funny on Monday.

Now Playing: Mario - Crying Out For Me

1 2 3 4
Yeah (uh huh)
Polow da Don
Listen girl
Mario, let’s go
Ladies...

It’s like you caught up in a maze
You keep on going in circles girl you’re trying to find your way out
But its time I put on my cape and
Put that "S" on my chest
Girl I wanna come and save you
But I’m stuck in the middle of seeing you hurt
I know when you love him
And you wanna make it work
And I can’t help but think that I known you first
It’s getting louder girl
Can’t ignore it no more

I can hear your heart crying out for me (crying out for me)
I can hear your heart crying out for me

(And it keeps on saying) Come on in, come on in come on in and save me
(And it keeps on saying) Come on in, come on in come on in and save me
I can hear your heart crying out for me

Baby, I should’ve never caught no feeling
But baby, having late night conversations on your sofa
You telling me how he played you out over and over, over and over
But I’m stuck in the middle of seeing you hurt
I know when you love him
And you wanna make it work
And I can’t help but think that I knew you first
It’s getting louder
Girl I can’t ignore it no more baby

I can hear your heart crying out for me (crying out for me)
I can hear your heart crying out for me

(And girl it’s saying) Come on in, come on in, come on in and save me
Come on in, come on in, come on in and save me
I can hear your heart crying out for me

2:24 am

27 October 2007

I remember when I was about five or six years old, I had this picture book about these two kids who were left alone at home. They decided to go exploring at night in the garden and shed, and of course, the dark made things look a lot scarier than they really were.

People have told me before that they didn't understand me. Have they tried? Or am I supposed to make them? Honestly, I don't know. Sometimes they never try, and when things happen, I get the ugly end of the stick for not letting them understand.

So I guess I'm supposed to tell people about what troubles me? But they've all proven to me that they can't be depended on.

I don't know why I've posted things about people who haven't really offended me - in my face - all that much, and yet I still haven't said anything about people like them. Is it the disparity of value I place on these groups of people?

Perhaps my subconscious already knows I'm at fault for dancing all the time, and not joining them for Popeye's chicken, not going downtown with them, or whatever.

Even though I tell myself she's not an important person in my life, the way she gives me that dirty look haunts me. The way she influences the rest to outcast me. The way she says 'hi' to Melissa or Shyo but acts like I'm not there. The way she demeans me, practically right in front of her friend. I want to hate her. But I can't. I just can't. I don't know if it's my upbringing or what, but it seems I've turned out to be a sissy who can't stand up for himself.

But you know, that may be a good thing. All that jedi knight jargon about hate leads to suffering and whatnot.

Intentions are never enough, only results are. That's how it works in this world.

There are two sides to everything. Only the wisest see both.

When darkness obscures something, you don't know what it is. It looks like something that could scare you, when it's really just a harmless garden hoe or rake with a rubber hose for a tail. You know?

Of course you don't. But it's ok... probably no one does, but good God.

Now Playing: John Denver - Leaving on a Jet Plane

2:35 am

I feel partly responsible. Darn it... why am I always doing things that makes people angry, sad or frustrated? Why can't I ever make someone smile, with genuine happiness, for once?

All along, I've been letting people down. In primary 4, it was my parents. In secondary 2, it was my best friend. Secondary 4, all my classmates. A few months ago... it was you. And now, I don't know just how many people I've let down.

Can I do this? Maybe it's better if I just dance, and forget what goes on between people...

I don't want the world to see me,
'cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Now Playing: Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

12:59 am

26 October 2007

Sometimes, trust is betrayed. Sometimes, you find out someone is not really who you make them out to be, for worse. Sometimes, you wish the persons they are on the outside are the same as those on the inside. Sometimes, it comes as the knockout punch when you've endured all the blows life has dealt you.

But you have to stay happy. You have to stay true to yourself. Even when others are falling, when they follow the crowd not because they want to but because they have to, to stay where they are... You have to keep the faith and trust. You have to know that there are people like you, who don't let themselves get taken away.

Do I have to be nasty and openly critical to be an honest person? Can't I try to be a nice guy and throw away all those negative thoughts instead of nurturing them in my heart secretly? Does that make me suspicious?

Do I practice what I preach? Apparently I don't, but I'm trying... will you all help me?

Now Playing: Mariah Carey - Through The Rain

12:35 am

24 October 2007

Wow, I just discovered for myself, this ultimate backstabber (or maybe just hypocrite) in the club... I'm not very surprised to find out who it is. I wonder if her friends know it. If you all do, you all should save her. Before she goes out and does real damage. Then the tables will turn on her.

Other than that, suffered a disappointment today. And a physical injury. But the hurt can be resisted. I'm worried. About the future. About the people around me. Will everything fall apart? Will there ever be true unity? Am I just being paranoid? Is the moon round? Is there anything to drink in my fridge?

Now Playing: Nobuo Uematsu - Liberi Fatali

12:34 am

22 October 2007

A quiet storm is brewing. It's cold and windy outside. Kind of warm in my room though.

Apparel production is so unbearably irritating sometimes. I think just doing the invisible zipper for the pleated skirts might have caused several white hairs to sprout on my head. The slider actually came off the zip twice. And I had to force it back on both times. My fingers are still hurting. No zippers to sew for the next skirt, thankfully.

I actually unpicked, tacked, sewed, unpicked, sewed again, unpicked again, tacked again and sewed once again from 5.45pm till 10pm. And I actually took a step back from saturday's progress. What the heck. Now I have 6 hours left to finish the skirt. And I have tonight to do the journal, which is supposed to be as long as some martial arts instruction manual.

My cat is empathic to me. When I'm happy and nuts, he avoids me so that he doesn't have to be hugged. When I'm sad and down, he comforts me by approaching me, meowing at me and snuggling up against my leg. That white tub of lard really makes me smile.

11:46 pm

21 October 2007

I woke up at 2 in the afternoon today. Immediately went to buy lunch for my dad and sister after brushing teeth... and also read Joshua's message to meet him at Suntec City.

And so I went to Suntec City. Talked about many things. When we parted ways, I decided to go window shopping a little. By myself, yeah. It seemed so long since I took a long walk in Suntec by myself. I guess having to live in Bedok has to do with that. I prefer Old Airport Road. More ghetto, more urban. And more variety of nice food... the Ho Hup Soya Bean auntie is so nice. She took out the ice for me so that I could get more soya milk, and then she asked me to wait so that she could put in more chin chow jelly (she suggested I buy a cup of Michael Jackson instead).

I was about to walk into B.I.R.D. to check out some Nike threads and kicks. Then I heard a familiar piano hook. They were playing Mariah Carey's 'We Belong Together'. It made me think. I miss myself. I'm beginning to be like them. I'm beginning to lose the love.

Can I help it? When all the cliques are established, and I'm still just one guy by himself. Maybe I should blame myself. Maybe I shouldn't have gone dancing so much, so much that my semester 1 classmates stopped treating me like I exist. Maybe I should have kept my thoughts to myself. Maybe I shouldn't try to be funny, after all, not everyone is as liberal and open as me. Maybe I shouldn't talk to the seniors so much, although I honestly feel more comfortable talking to some of them, so that I won't be accused of bootlicking.

But I still feel blessed and thankful for Meiqi, Ah Foong and Gen. They talked to me. Even when I'm not really in a rightest state of mind, they tolerated my constant complaining and chattering. My self-centred rantings.

Complaining, chattering and ranting. I'm gone. I miss you man. I miss Jun Ji. The one who resolved never to hold anything against anyone.

Karl Lagerfeld designed women's lingerie. Therefore, he must have had intimate knowledge of such garments, pardon the pun. I guess that makes him so much more a "guy whom you want to slap" than I am? I only hinted and I never said anything explicit. I wonder why you wanted to blame me when you're the one who wanted to feign ignorance. Yet you had to be so sensitive about it. Why are you dancing hip hop if you're so mindful of being offended? What are you going to do in a real heated battle? Will you hate all the opponents? You're a great mover, but are you aware of the culture of freedom behind what you're dancing?

Are you my friend? Are you someone I can talk to? I didn't realise you were like this. My friend loves you. I don't know in what way, but he does. He's such a nice and friendly guy. I hope he knows who he's loving.

I genuinely loved you people, but I guess it wasn't enough.

When you left, I lost a part of me...

Now Playing: Mariah Carey - We Belong Together

8:24 pm

16 October 2007

Chris Brown. I never liked him. I first danced hip-hop to his songs, but I always felt he was a biter (of Usher mostly). Plus his voice has an annoying twang to it.

But when you can feel the music, the rhythm, the lyrics... the artiste doesn't matter anymore. I wish I could put all the blame on you, vilify you. I can't even look at you. I don't know what you want from me now. Maybe you don't want anything. "And I don't wanna see you cry, but I don't wanna be the one to tell you a lie so..."

You have to understand that I don't, either. Can we just move on? I want to just shout at you, that it was you who kept flaring up, even though I had my bad days too. No... I can't deny that I was pretty screwed up too. Yeah... it wouldn't have worked. We were childish. Maybe you thought it would have. "But you know this thing ain't been no walk in the park for us..."

Since those holidays ended, it's been school and dance non-stop, everyday, night and day. "I gotta make the first move 'cos if I don't, you're gonna start hating me..."

No, you never really understood me. I know you tried, but you couldn't. There were all those awkward silences. And you'd ask me to say something. It was already in me then, that I couldn't tell you what I felt. "Girl, I know your heart is breaking, and a thousand times I find myself asking 'why'..."

Let's just get on with our lives... I'll be honest. I feel burdened with you caring all the time. You had your chance back then, so just stop it. "But we know, that we gotta go, our separate ways..."

Maybe you think that I'm enjoying myself right now. Yes and no. I've learnt to enjoy what life brings, the cyphers, the songs, the scenery, the acquaintances... even though there's still this loneliness and sorrow of having no one to be there for me except the Creator. No, your concern won't help, because you're just looking at the tip of the iceberg. You're just trying to pull me out. But you're not understanding me. There are a lot more people around you that need the same care and concern... I'll be alright on my own. "There's never a right time, a right time to say goodbye..."

Now Playing: Chris Brown - Say Goodbye

1:38 am